


Say My Name

by eroticamegido (CreepingCatalyst)



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Blood, Blood and Violence, Death, F/F, Gore, Pining, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-14 14:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16042505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreepingCatalyst/pseuds/eroticamegido
Summary: Vent fic in Homura's POV involving probably romance with Madoka later but mostly self harm, violence, and sad shit.Don't read if this will trigger you in a bad way. Thanks, buddy.PS nobody cares but this fic is named after Spectrum by Florence + the Machine (Calvin Harris remix)





	1. Chapter 1

They keep on doubting me. They keep on restraining me. They keep on returning to the track the old timelines have previously taken.

I sit in my former apartment, now complicated hideout, and tremble thinking of the words Madoka has said. The words the other former friends have said.

None of them know me and that's what I thought I wanted.

But the anger, the hatred, the doubt, the violence, the unknowingness of me they all show... It pains me and nearly makes me want to give up. Then I scramble for a grief seed, the small supply I've accumulated with much effort over the time and timelines.

I touch my soul gem to the seed with a tiny clink and watch the black in the purple swirl as it recedes. I sigh, not in relief but in exhaustion. How many times has it been? How many MONTHS have I lived past my former peers?  
Well, it would have been my birthday last month, I think, but I don't really know... The clock keeps turning backwards. Has it been a year now?

My head scrambles for answers but ultimately fails as I flop over on the couch. I stopped counting around 15.  
I pick idly at my already ragged nails. My feet move back and forth in place of shaking my leg as I lay strewn on the pristine white sofa.  
Madoka would probably hate these nervous habits I've acquired, I think as I chew my bottom lip.  
I wish she were here to scold me.  
I mentally slap myself. Don't fiend for attention. 

No one wants you anymore, I tell myself. I ruminate of the most recent interactions with the other girls.  
The hate in their eyes. The distrust. I stopped Sayaka and Kyoko's fight yesterday, but they probably won't last long anyway...  
All I ever wanted was to be helpful but I always fail, even the very first time. I was such a bumbling klutz. 

But I don't think I like myself now either...

I stare, dead eyed, at the pendulums swinging on the cold white walls. Why do I have to be me?

Suddenly my heart drops and I feel such frustration and hatred for myself.  
I reach into the void of my shield and pull out a knife. Before I can think much more I'm hissing in pain and tense. Then my body just... lets go?  
I look down at a deep cut on my right thigh.  
I blink. I..... liked that...  
The pain is nearly gone, along with my upset.  
I hold my breath and slice again just under it. I hiss once more and squeeze my eyes shut before relaxing, almost blissfully. A soft smile appears on my face.  
I open my eyes and touch my fingers to my mouth, as if the expression couldn't be real.  
I haven't smiled or felt so relaxed in a long time.  
I snap back to reality and notice I'm bleeding all over the couch and the floor.  
Damn it. I never think.

I sigh and get up, wounds burning ever so slightly, heading towards the bathroom. I put away the knife and revert to normal form as i grab paper towels to press on my leg. Another one to wipe up the coagulated blood that dripped down. Little bright red balls at the end of long lines of partially dried blood. The towel comes up bright as well. Kind of a pretty red. Maybe even prettier than Kyoko's soul gem.  
I wrap the wounds haphazardly with paper towels and scotch tape.

I clean the tiles of the living room and press towels on the couch. I'll bleach it later.  
I have to check on Madoka.  
Today around this time is when she gets trapped in the warehouse. Sometimes Miki doesn't make it there in time.

I revert to magical form, clothes clean again, and hurry outside before jumping on the roof, heading towards the soon-to-be death chamber.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyoko.

I land lightly on my toes in front of the warehouse and hide in a bush. The old me would've hated the bugs and dirt, but I've learned there are far worse things. Far, far worse.  
I startle at the faint sound of Madoka's cries from inside.   
No. Not yet.  
I can't show yet. I must wait a minute or two longer for Sayaka. The timelines where I saved Madoka before Sayaka have gone far quicker downhill. 

Speak of the devil. Miki flies by and breaks through a window with a huge crash. I relax a little, as Miki has never failed this mission as long as she showed up, not even once.   
I sigh and notice the frown on my face. I shake my head violently. I shouldn't be so invested in old memories, and the deaths of side characters. I cringe at the thought of old friends reduced to such a term. "Side characters".

I exit my hiding place, lost in thought, and addled with sorrow.   
A voice startles me out of my trance. "It's rude to stare."  
I whip around to discover Kyoko standing right behind me. Jumping back a few paces, I let my hand hover over my shield. "What do you want."  
Kyoko skips around me like a little girl and grins mischievously. "Oh, I was just in the neighborhood!" She says with a snap of the pocky in her mouth.   
Playing dumb, huh? "Bullshit." I say bluntly, facing her but lowering my arm. "You followed them, didn't you."  
Kyoko cocks her head, feigning hurt, her black ribbon holding her long red ponytail jumps softly as she moves. "How could you, Akemi-san! And I thought we were friends!"  
"We-!" I stopped my retort short. "You are no friend of mine, Sakura Kyoko."   
She scoffs and turns away with a swish of her hair, hands interlocked behind her head. I grit my teeth in annoyance but my outward features remain cool and calm.   
"Fine. I did follow that Sayaka girl. Couldn't believe she'd found a witch before I did. I might just have to fight her for that grief seed, hm?" She taunted, flashing a sinister look at me behind her. "Would you stop me again, Akemi? It seems to me like you don't trust her either. Hidin' in the bushes like some gremlin. Pot callin' the kettle black. COULD you stop me twice? Akemi?"  
My face scrunches up in anger. "To think you had the nerve, Sakura," I hiss. "I've stopped you a million times over."  
Kyoko blinks and turns back to face me. "What?"  
I ignore her and dash past her before jumping to the roof above, never looking back. 

I arrive at my door, having switched back to my school uniform, and look up at the night sky. Grey. Muddied as my soul gem, which needs purifying more and more frequently as time has passed (or been turned back, as the case may be).   
I jimmy the door open with my key and grab my cigarettes and lighter from the table just inside the door way before closing it again. Sitting against the old, worn door, I light a cigarette.   
I take a long drag off the Maverick and pull my legs up to my chest. Why does it have to be like this? Why does the universe so badly want Madoka dead? Or want me to fail? My efforts to kill Kyuubey have never resulted in anything at all. The thing seems to be immortal. Perhaps I should try capture instead. But whenever I've tried to capture it, I've killed it in the process, only to meet him again a day later. A truly nasty creature he is.  
I puff on my cigarette, staring at the sky, my brain blathering at a thousand miles an hour.   
As I lift my free hand to brush a string of hair from my eyes, I notice my soul gem half swirling with tar again. Damn it. I stand and stamp out the cig before dashing off into the knight in search of another labyrinth to pilfer, lest I fail my mission for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yah hi i work from my oldass iphone so the chapters are short. better short than none, i guess. sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> mwahahaha! it is i, the vent fic writer, here to make you sad once again!
> 
> comments make me happy of course and im open to polite critique of the writing
> 
> thanks for readin, friend.


End file.
